Tuesday, February 20, 2007

What color is your blood's parachute?

Over the past few years I have noted a big change in the start of my monthly bleeding. It used to dilly dally around for at least half a day to 24 hours before things really got underway. How convenient. I'd know before leaving for work to pack a few pads. Or to make sure I'd prepared for sleeping at night.

Now, however, my blood arrives like Kramer on Seinfeld. One minute nothing, the next it's kicked in the door, grabbed a beer and has its feet propped up on the sofa. Well hello.

As I was contemplating this change -- is it related to age, having had children, changes in exercise? -- I couldn't get this human-form image of my blood out of my head. I realized I have a pretty deep knowledge of my blood and its preferences. My blood is a large but not obese gal with fair skin and freckles. It has shoulder length reddish-brown hair. It wears cowboy boots and tight jeans. It likes beer from a can and can kick ass if necessary.

In the spirit of the Vagina Monologues, I am curious to know if anyone else has a deep knowledge of their menstrual blood.

What is its theme song? Its favorite cereal? Its dream vacation?

Does it prefer dogs or cats? Action movies or romances? Raves or dinner parties?



Anonymous Anonymous said...

My current menstrual blood is a Barbie doll - 100% fake because I'm on the pill.

Prior to the pill she was kinda troll-like and bitchy with random bursts of anger and/or tears.

I'm hoping that if I go off the pill, a less troll-like version of my monthly visitor will return.

11:00 PM  
Blogger I am a Milliner's Dream, a woman of many "hats"... said...

Mine (alas, it has gone with the uterus and the gargantuan fibroid and it's eight little dwark fibroid friends...) used to be a crunchy gal with long hair sometimes worn in a braid. Often it was worn just wavy and long to her waist (like "crimped" hair, but it was natural, not done with a hair gadget.)

She sometimes wore Birkenstocks, often long wildly printed batik skirts and often had a hat or scarf on her head.

She liked to eat trail mix (but only the kind with M&M's in it,) but wouldn't admit she was a chocoholic. She pretended to a hippy was really a poser-wannabe. She enjoyed margaritas on the rocks (not carrot juice), enjoyed red meat but could have lived without it, because she lived for fruits and vegetables.

I miss her. Alot.

3:54 AM  
Blogger Sandy D. said...

Interesting, now that I'm over 40, my blood has taken to showing up (a dribble or two) much slower than before. Just the opposite of your pattern. And she's visiting more often (every 26-28 days as opposed to the 32 day cycle I had in my 20's).

The blood is accompanied by more irritability than previously, but according to the Diva cup, everything else is pretty much the same.

1:49 PM  
Blogger cooler*doula said...

I wish I knew her better, but of late I feel like I know her less and less.

She's become unpredictable. One month, she arrives like a freight train. And stays for almost a week. Last month she came for a day or two, so vaguely, it was almost as if she wasn't there at all.

I am confused - she and I need to talk more - I need to find out what's on her mind.

11:06 AM  
Anonymous maica preoteasa said...

Hmm...my red friend seems to be changing too.

We have gone from the grotesque to the bizarre, and have ended up wistful as of late...

She arrived early for the party wearing wooden shoes, a big Hefty bag and a Lone Ranger mask -- I was very, very young -- and then she rioted throughout my teens. I had a red storm, serial tsunamis, violent cramping, 15 days of bleeding, and stained sheets. The pill was prescribed, and my system rejected it. She clapped her hands until my temples thumped.

I tried to tame her during my college years by taming my dread of her and "embracing" the reality of menstruation (found lovely, cotton flannel pads; considered the blessings of fertility; etc). It helped a little bit. She put down the whip and cozied up to the warmth and comfort of floral flannel. She didn't much like the long bead necklaces, but really grooved on wearing men's jeans and long skirts.

So now that I am 34, my red friend comes more often (wearing a pair of Gap jeans and a J Jill black t-shirt, sometimes a touch of makeup) -- every 25-27 days. She gives riotous living a good try on the first day, and then just puts on her fleece pullover and slippers and trickles along a day or two and fades like a photograph.

She is maternal (as am I now) -- a steady worker, ever consistent, but arriving at unpredictable times. She is visiting lots now, and I think it is because she is going away sooner than later. She seems to want to get a good look at me in my life before it is too late for her. She is a very distant reminder of her younger days -- remnants of riot, but nothing much.

She now wears comfortable clothes, dresses in layers, and likes feta cheese and banana peppers on sourdough bread. She will have a glass of red wine. She might bring you a candle or some flowers if she visits at your house. She enjoys hiking wearing her Keen shoes. My red friend has gently made it clear to me that I have only a little time left before the window closes on growing the family.

We've gone round and round so many times. I know what she likes (www.natracare.com), and she knows what I can take. We have a mutual respect, and a knowledge that nothing lasts forever.

4:15 PM  
Blogger doulicia said...

These are just great! Thanks for introducing/describing your companions.

12:09 PM  
Blogger mm said...

She showed up at around the right time in my teens... didn't mind her much. Then had the first monster at 29 ... and of course she showed up right on time 28 days after his entrance. Miscarried a baby at 13 weeks and since then, well... not so pleasant. Random and sporadic, as if it needed a break after all that happened.
She only showed up once between monster #2 and the monster daughter (four months before conception)... So of course I thought nothing of her being gone.
Since the md, she has brought me a lot of pain, wrecked clothes and bed sheets (even the homebirths did not bring this kind of bodily fluid staining). She is a sharp angry person now. Steel toed boots, black cargo pants and a Daria t-shirt. In the summer she wear my crazy green Birk sandals, is sticky and hot. Showing up at random, always blundering in with a whole host of other friends with her. She seems almost... abusive. I never minded her company before... now I dread the tingles that I know are ovulation. I don't know if I am so awful because of her, or if she is only a nice scape goat for me.
I keep thinking of giving the Barbie (thanks for that hysterical image Sarah!) blood a try. But with my age and weight concerns... I'm not so sure. Oh and a doctor to perscribe it would help too, but that isn't a huge problem.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Housefairy said...

Mine is an enourmous rolicking brat, who pretends to be an old friend for about 12 hours and then, while I am sleeping on night one, secretly invites in her bad party friends and nasty hooligans with nothing on their minds besides cruelty filth and pain. They all party and leave the place (me!) a filthy mess. Then Im just tired. No tampon will contain this bitch, and so I get to sit on a lady-diaper and feel about as mobile and independant as anyone who wears diapers does. Each move brings a gooshing torrent, so taking care of four little ones becomes a one step forward, two stpes backward into the bathroom and the laundry room.
By the time she leaves, it takes me 3 or 4 days just to feel certain she is really gone, as she leaves her mark in the form of raw skin, spotty reappearances and overall fatigue and grody not so fresh feeling. I get exactly one week to be "myself" and then PMS comes to spend a week and then Shes back!
I want her to be my hippie friend, really I do. I want her to be dark and mysterious, fertile and wise. But it hasnt happened yet.

7:28 PM  
Blogger Lainey-Paney said...


She's a bitch, she's a lover, she's a child, she's a mother...

No, she's more like one of the Heathers from the 80s movie. She only travels with her friend, Endo. Together they enter the scene, become the center of attention, and leave me feeling...hurt.
They suck!
Down with the Heathers!

2:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After much contemplating, Barbie is going back to her box. Over the next few months I'll meet my monthly friend all over agin... hopefully she's nicer now that she's grown up a little.

8:20 PM  
Blogger The Girl said...

Mine is MIA for 2 and a half years. I expect her to show up soon as the little baby who sent he away will be two soon and I think she must be pretty jealous because as long as milk is flowing fluently she stays away. She has learned to share because the milk still flows for quite a while after her return. But she is quite the witch when she comes back. She makes her presence known and that she is none too happy to have been gone. Then she takes a long time to get the groove on and then as soon as that happens Mr. Happy's little friends swoop in and take over again. But we might get to see each other for quite some time until she decides to leave me for good.

2:55 PM  

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